5 Apr

Tonight I passed by the area I used to live and I saw the internet cafe where we first met.

April 4, 2014

Loneliness and Alcohol

30 Mar

The sound of television creeping through the halls
Left in the wild like a tree pulled from the dirt
You fill the sky with burning arrows from your heart
Throw your bottles out to sea and watch them float away

Tell me of the world you’re leaving
While you’re swinging like a wrecking ball
You bury all your love in secrets
And loneliness in alcohol

Hide your diamonds in the dirt in careful rows
Let your doubt unravel all their, all their pretty bows
‘Cause your heart is broken by the things you love
And your light, it carries but it’s not enough to change the weather

Tell me of the world you’re leaving
While you’re swinging like a wrecking ball
Bury all your love in secrets
And loneliness in alcohol

You get buried under all these lines, all this light, all these lies
You get buried under all these lines, all this light, all the time

Tell me of the world you’re leaving
While you’re swinging like a wrecking ball
Bury all your love in secrets
And loneliness in alcohol

Tell me of the world you’re leaving
While you’re swinging like a wrecking ball
Bury all your love in secrets
And loneliness in alcohol

- Jars of Clay | Inland

30 Mar

It has been 6 months…
And I haven’t forgotten
No.
And I don’t know how to forget
Or if I will ever forget
It still feels like yesterday
Fresh in my memory
Every moment, every hour, every minute spent
My heart still hopes
And I don’t know why it still fucking do
I should have given up
I shouldn’t hope for anything
What a fool I am
This song playing
Takes me to the time
The wounds become fresh
The hurts, the pain becomes real once more
Why do I still think about you?
Why do I still hope that you’d come back?
I’m supposed to hate you
I’m supposed to move on
To let go
I wish there was a way to prevent it all from happening
If there was, I would do it
I just can’t stand this pain no longer
Why didn’t I give up?
Why didn’t I just stop long time ago?
Why did I let it come to this,
When my back is already against the wall?
When I am already too involved?
I should have given up one month after we’ve met
When you worried me so much after you stop talking for the first time
I should have stopped in that moment
So I won’t be in this situation
So I won’t be writing this…
Me and my foolish heart
I believed too much
I let my guard down
And let you in
It was already too deep
There was no way out without getting burn
Now, the core of my being was smashed
Everything I believed in,
Everything I hoped for
It’s all gone. All gone.
Everything I thought I was
Everything I thought was the truth
Were washed away
And replaced by cynicism
And the culture and the country I fell in love with
Backfired
I now despised everything that has to do with it
The optimist and the defender of prejudice I was
No longer exist
I am wrecked.
My whole being was shaken
I am not this.
This isn’t me.
But I don’t know how to get back to who I was.

27 Mar

“It was the end of so much which life had for so long denied me and then briefly held out to me like a barren promise.”

- paraphrasing Douglas H. Gresham’s statement in
C. S. Lewis’ A Grief Observed

Take my life Lord

11 Jan

Lord, please take my life tonight.

I can no longer bear this pain.

This is too much. Just too much for me.

I am tired.

Enough please, enough.

I don’t want to live anymore.

I have no more reason to live.

Please hear my cry and take me with you there in heaven tonight.

Gago ka!

11 Jan

Gago ka!

I hope you know the hell I am going through right now.

You messed up my life.

I am here to remind you of the mess you left

11 Jan

I am here to remind you of the mess you’ve left when you went away

It’s not fair to deny me, of the cross I bear that you gave to me…

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