Broken

How do I begin writing?

When things around me become so intense and overwhelming, I cant seem write. I can only manage to write a few sentences, sometimes in post its or small pieces of papers. Although I wanted to write every detail of the event, whether they are good or bad, I get too overwhelmed that I usually end up with only drafts. I guess it’s because I want to capture it perfectly in words.

Right now, I am in the same situation. And I want to cry and seclude myself from the cruelty of the moment. I want to hide and run away, far away like I used to do. I am feeling so bad. But I chose to write down this feelings instead. In Raw. unedited writing. Actually, I am forcing myself to write. I can’t do the same thing over and over again. I have to pour out and open up to the world the emotions I am trying to conceal.

I am broken hearted. But it’s not because of some romantic reason. My heart is broken because a very good friend, one of my closest friend just suddenly stopped talking to me. And I have no idea why. Last time we talked, things were good. It was short but still it was good. We talked about their family vacation. Then after that, I heard nothing from him. I would see him online, send him messages but there was no reply. Not even one. And I am upset. I don’t know what I did for him to avoid me. I kept asking but he is silent. And yesterday, I found out that he deleted the Facebook account I created for him (with his permission) and deleted me from Skype too. And it hurts big time.

I have no idea if I did something wrong, if I offended him. At least he should have said something. If it was my fault, he should have told me. He can blame me, shout on me, tell me all the wrong things I did, I would accept that. thats way better than this silent treatment. I cant bear this. I just cant.

If i am at fault, at least I can apologize. Not like this. I am puzzled. It is a mind-torturing.

This isn’t the first time it happened. Few years ago, he also did the same thing. The difference though is that, before, he stopped talking to his other friends too, now, it is just me. And like I said, this time, he deleted me from Skype unlike before. So it gives me an impression that he wants to end our friendship. And I don’t even know why.

I already cried a bucket. But im afraid, there are still some I will shed. I am just broken.

He is one of my very best friend. And I miss him.

Is it over?

Today is one of the saddest day in my life. I don’t know, I just want to cry it all out.

I just have one question right now… Why?

I feel so hurt. I hope you know how much I am hurting right now. You know me so well, you should know how I feel. You know that I deserve an explanation.

Telling you that I am sobbing as I write this, won’t exactly describe the pain I feel the moment. I feel betrayed. And I am very upset.

You should have said something at least and not leave me hanging.

Eye Candy : Ryan Guzman

I only saw Step Up Revolution last weekend. It was shown in the theaters last year but I just ignored it thinking it is just some typical dance movie, where groups of hip hop dancers battle against each other. I have seen other dance movies already so I thought I can’t be bothered to see another one. It was only until this weekend when I get the chance to watch it and I liked it! It is a nice feel good movie to see. I wouldn’t say much about how the story goes but I just have to say that the lead actor just caught my attention. Well, who wouldn’t notice him, he is so hot! He is very charming, really good looking and so talented. He dances so well and portrayed Sean’s character well considering, this is his first lead role, I think first his first movie too. Not to mention, he’s got a body to die for. A total Eye Candy! Well, his name is Ryan Guzman.

Ryan Guzman. The Eye Candy

I used to do contemporary and street dancing too when I was younger so I was impressed with the movie’s choreography, especially the moves of Ryan. He is such a good dancer!

As I was watching the movie, I noticed something… Ryan looks like someone I know… well someone I used to know… Gosh! He just looks like him! I mean M, he looks like M. Gosh! But well, minus the abs. Hahaha!!!

Ryan during a scene in Step Up Revolution

Ryan in Step Up Revolution

Well they have lot resemblances. The way Ryan smiles, when he is blushing and trying to look cute (well, he is really cute, way good looking in fact), when he stares into someone or into nothing… they just look the same. God, I am reminded of him again. But I can’t help it. I now google for Ryan’s picture, read his bio and watch some videos of him. I can’t help but stare at his pictures. Well since the weekend, I have seen the movie about 4 times already. I just can’t get enough of him! But now, I don’t know if this is me liking Ryan as himself or liking him because he looks like M. Gosh, why do you have to look like him?

Well I don’t really follow actors, local or foreign on twitter but after I discovered this beautiful creature called Ryan Guzman, I started following him. He seems like a nice person on and off the cam. The way he tweets both to his family and close friends, and his fans, it shows how a nice person he is and because of that I am liking him more.

Hot Ryan Guzman

But going back to him and M being look a likes, although not entirely because, well, Ryan is metrosexual, has a toned body and into hip-hop, rnb and slow jams, and M is your metal guy who headbangs in a rock and roll concert, has a long hair, wears black most of the time (like me) and doesn’t care too much of fashion (he’s got his own style which I like), well he used to work out in the gym too so he got some muscles and all (but no sexy abs like Ryan’s), in short he is like a bad boy! But they are alike physically, especially the eyes that seems to weaken me and the smile that melts my heart.

M’s look a like, Ryan

Gosh! What am I talking about? I am supposed to be over him. I am supposed to be moving on and not thinking of him. What happened now?

Well I haven’t really forgotten him and haven’t really stopped thinking of him. But that is another story now.

I have a confession to make

I have a confession to make.

I had coffee during the days I am not supposed to have one.

As you know I have signed up for the 40 Days Of Water challenge by B:WM, not only to benefit the org’s mission but also as my form of sacrifice for the Lenten season. As you see, I have not been very successful with it.

The first week was quite good, except for that instance in Day 2 where I had Iced Tea out of excitement from a football match. I had my first feast day, which I had about 4 or 5 cups of good coffee.

The second week though wasn’t a success, I had coffee twice or thrice. You see, I am very in love with coffee and coming from the “feast day”, it was hard not to start my day without it. So day 6 and maybe 7 and 8, I had a cup of espresso in the morning. It was quite hard to resist, after all, coffee is overflowing in the office.

I had excuses. I said, “it’s not even exactly one cup, just half of it.” Or “BWM said we dont have to be perfect, so it’s okay.” Another lame excuse is that, “I really need to perk myself up, I didnt get much sleep so I need at least half a cup to survive the day.” Then I found myself hiding or making sure none of my co-workers who knew what I signed up for, sees me pressing that coffee machine. Not good.

I was tempted. I was being tested I know. And I gave in.

I also experienced persistent headache for a few days, became grumpy and all. And that is caffeine withdrawal I found out. And because of that, I came up with another excuse to have at least a cup to avoid withdrawal. Bad. So to compensate for the lack of caffeine, I started eating chocolates again. I already cut my chocolate consumptions since I started hitting the gym, but because of 40 Days of Water, I have no other source of caffeine aside from the chocolates.

I guess I could relate this to my relationship with M, that whenever I say that I’m done with him, I find myself thinking again of him and wishing we are back together. I give in to the thoughts that I can’t forget him or that I can’t move on.

I guess when you have something or someone you rely on too much, it’s hard to break the habit of thinking or going back to them.

But then, a comment I read from someone made me go on and stick to my commitment. It says, ” So to practice giving up something when it is available and easy to acquire now, could be an investment in strength for harder days ahead. “

It is a good training. This sacrifice will help mold my character.

I am now halfway through it. Day 22 was yesterday and today is Feast day! 18 days to go! Well, so far, 3rd and 4th week were successful. By God’s amazing grace, I am able to continue with my commitment. I am still tempted ’till now. Well temptation will always be there but when you are committed, you shouldn’t have excuses.

And it takes a lot of discipline to do this.

Jars of Clay live in My City!

Late last year, my favorite band Jars of Clay made an announcement via their twitter account that they will be in Manila on March 31, 2013. I got very excited because it’s going to be my 2nd time to see them live since 2005 (well, 3rd if I am to include meeting them at the mall.)

As you see, I grew up listening to them. Their music and the band members themselves has influenced me so much – in my art, life’s perspective and even in my faith. For nearly 2 decades, my everyday playlist is made up mostly of their inspiring and well-written songs.

So when they said they are coming over to Manila, I was ecstatic! What got me even more excited than anybody was when Church Simplified announced that they are playing in my city! Yes, in the city where I live! And it is a free admission concert!

Well, it’s actually an Easter gig. And I thought, there is no best way to end the holy week but to come and see Jars perform live. That would be awesome me thinks!

Every Easter, Church Simplified is doing the Walkway:Stations of the Cross in Bonificio High Street. I have been to that event for a couple of times or more I think. This year, they invited Jars of Clay to perform live to conclude the holy week. What a way to spend the Easter Sunday!

The concert will be held in the urban amphitheater in Bonifacio High Street (near Jamba Juice, Slice and the other fine-dining restos). It is an open area, like a park, where the water fountains are. And since it is a free concert, anyone can attend. Gosh, I can just imagine how awesome it is to have Jars perform there live! Wow!

So anyone in Manila (when you return from your holidays) can see these four men in BGC, all you have to do is bring your friends or family and enjoy their wonderful music. Who knows, you might like them as well.

Although, I wish that they also have another concert, a paid one that is, apart from that Easter one. I do not mind paying just to see them, it will be worth it anyway!

Denis Wolf: My Hot Valentine’s Date :)

I don’t celebrate Valentines. Never. Ever. Even in my past romantic relationships, we never celebrated it. It is just way too commercialized. No, I’m not being bitter. I am just not mainstream that’s why.

This year’s valentine, is, just like the past years, the same regular day to me. Thank God that most of my friends, single or not didn’t take the day extra special too! But I have to say that this “valentine’s” became special for me.

As you may know, I am a football fan. And that I have a huge crush on this Filipino-German footballer playing in our local league and the national team, Denis Wolf. And my cousins and I decided to watch their team, Global FC play on Vday. It was actually unplanned. My other cousin texted me days before about the scheduled match and invited me to watch. I declined however, because what I initially planned was go to the gym and workout. The schedule changes on the day itself after I felt very tired to hit the gym, so I decided to inform my other two cousins that we watch the game instead. (The cousin who invited initially wasn’t able to come due to her classes at the uni.)

So there, at the newly built Emperador Stadium in the city where I live (and where Denis also lives. hahaha Seriously, I love my city!), we went and watched Global oven over Nomads with the 2-1 score. Denis came later though as a sub. Prior to that, I was watching him doing warm ups on the side and gosh, how lovely is the view! Hahaha

Global vs Nomads

It ain’t the first time I saw him in person, but this is I think the closest I got to him because this new stadium is just very intimate and football fans can see the action in the pitch at close range.

I swear even though I have a crush on him, I would watch the game, even if he isn’t playing or not the one who has the ball. Reminds me how my best friend Idy would always tease me, “Eyes on the ball, not on him!” Haha Of course I do watch the game, not just him. :p But something happened last thursday. Gosh, my eyes were fixated on him, even if he was just on the side, warming up. And boy, was he gorgeous! Hahaha… My cousin even reminded me that the ball is already on the other side. Hahaha

Denis warming up during the half time

Then after the game, we, along with the other fans waited for the players to come to the audience area to give their autographs and all. Denis on the other hand started running around the pitch. We would call him but he won’t stop running. Gosh, suplado? He had an injury weeks before and I think that is the reason he was running.

After a few minutes, still running, but this time, towards to our direction, I waved my hand at him. I waved at him like the way I would when calling a cab, and without even calling his name. LOL. And he stopped! And he started walking towards us. Gosh! This is it I thought!

We immediately went to him and I said, “Hi Denis, can you sign my football and can we have a picture after?” He smiled and said, “of course, sure, sure…”

As the other group of fan girls went to where we were too, I handed him my sharpee, without even taking the lid off, LOL and showed him my football. It’s not an actual football, but a stress ball actually, designed like a football given to me by my 7-year old cousin. I told Denis that that is my football and he laughed because it is very small. LOL. We both laughed.

Denis and I. My valentine’s date!

After that we had a picture together. Gosh, I was nervous I could feel my hand shaking. Hahaha. My other girl cousin had her picture too, then another girl. But even before another fan would take her turn, I immediately told Denis, I want another picture with him with my cousin and he obliged. But this time, I grabbed the chance to put my right hand around his waist! Hahaha It is already my chance so why not do it I thought. (Chance ko na chumansing! hahaha) Gosh, even if he just finished running, boy he smelled so good. Hahaha. I thanked him and greeted him Happy Valentine’s and he said the same. He is really nice.

We stayed a little while the other took turns to take a picture with him also. God, he was just inches away from us and even though the stadium lights were blinding, I had a chance to stare at his face closely and gosh, his eyes are just beautiful! A really good looking man! And the body… I should have told him Emma Stone’s line in the movie “Crazy, Stupid Love” - “Seriously? It’s like you’re photoshopped!” Hahaha (Lord, can I have him? Please pretty please? Hahaha)

We also went to other players and had some pictures with them and like Denis, they are also nice enough to pose with the fans.

My little football signed by Denis.

My dad picked us up after the game to have our late dinner. And because of too much excitement from the game and from meeting Denis, I forgot that I am doing the 40 Days of Water, I had Iced Tea! My bad. I blame Denis for that. Hahaha Kidding!

Btw, when best friend Idy saw the picture of Denis and I (it is actually a stolen shot), he asked, “Please tell me you didn’t exchange numbers with Denis Wolf?” Hahaha… To which I replied, “Why? What is wrong with it? I’m single, he is single. Hahaha” Of course it didn’t happen, I wish it did though. Hahaha!!!

So that was my Valentine’s night with my hot date! Hahaha

What a day! What a Valentine’s day!

Gosh, I am such a fan girl! Hahaha!!!

Drinking Only Water for 40 Days to Give Water.

              I finally signed up for Blood:Water Mission’s 40 Days of Water challenge. Yesterday was Day 1 and I’m proud to say that I survived the day without coffee. Hurrah! And so far, I’m doing good in Day 2. The day is about to end though and I’m here at the coffee shop, not having coffee though, just a slice of “guiltless chocolate cake” (yeah that is really the name of the cake) and water. Yes, water all day! Earlier this morning before heading to work, I had my breakfast at a coffee shop too. I had multi-grain bagel with cream cheese and you guess it right, a glass of water. Gosh! I am missing my coffee! Haha Well, I can do this. I am committed to this challenge, not only to help B:WM bring clean and safe water to Uganda but also, for my health. I figured this is is also a good since I will be drinking lots of water which is good for my body. Also, this is like a sacrifice also for the lent. How timely this challenge is. So, I will stick to this and will just wait for Sundays to have my coffee.

I miss you coffee! See you on Sunday!

That above was written around 7pm on Day 2 of the 40 Days of Water, it was also the Valentine’s night. And while almost everyone were out to have romantic dinner or attend a vday concert, my cousins and I went to watch a live football game. My favorite Global FC is playing Nomads FC in the country’s league, the UFL. Yes, my dates on heart’s day are my cousins and the football players. Hahaha Read here for the story of my valentine’s date. LOL

It was an exciting football match and since my Denis Wolf is playing, I was even more thrilled during and after the game. My dad picked us up after and we went to have our late dinner. And because of too much excitement due to unforgettable event in the stadium (hint: something to do with Denis), I forgot that I was doing the 40 Days of Water. I had Iced Tea! Gosh! My bad! I realized it too late when I already consumed almost a glass of iced tea. LOL. I immediately stopped and had water instead.

This is what an exciting night can do to you! LOL

Gosh! Well, like Blood:Water Mission said, we don’t have to be perfect, just like one of challengers tweeted that she forgot that it already started and she had her morning coffee. We can move on and always continue the challenge.

Day 3 and 4 is done and they were successful. Today is not Day 5. Today is FEAST DAY! Or cheat day if you want to call it that. Haha And this morning I had my first cup of yummy hot coffee and right now, I am at the coffee shop, for my iced-blended one. I think, I will have another one later. Hahahaha What can I do, I miss coffee so much and it’s going to take another 6 days before we meet again so I will take advantage of the time we have now.

This is what Feast Day looks like:

My first cup on the first Feast Day!

This is Feast Day for me. Haha… My afternoon coffee:)

UPDATE:
The Feast Day is done. Back at home, I had another black coffee at night, then followed by a fresh milk. Now that was feast day. Today is Day 5, and I’m back to drinking only water. See you on Sunday coffee.