Two years ago today, you dropped the ‘bomb’ that shattered my heart and soul.
And I died.
Two years ago today, you dropped the ‘bomb’ that shattered my heart and soul.
And I died.
“But I love him.”
“So love him.”
“But I miss him.”
“So miss him. Send him some love and light every time you think about him, then drop it.”
– Eat, Pray, Love
I don’t wanna be the one who tries to figure it out
I don’t need another reason I should care about you
You don’t want to know my story
You don’t want to own my pain
Living in a heavy, heavy world
And there’s a pop song in my head…
“If this is love I do not want it. Take it from me, Please. Why does it hurt so much? “
“Because it was real.”
~The Hobbit – Battle of the Five Armies
One year ago today…
We went to bed at almost 4am but we still haven’t slept, until at 7am, we just decided to have the buffet breakfast first before sleeping. So off to the hotel’s rooftop resto we went.
We returned to our room 2 hours later and by 10am we finally dozed off.
By around 3pm, I felt you went out of bed and saw you headed to the bathroom, I was too sleepy so I closed my eyes again. When you returned, my eyes were half opened, still very sleepy…then you told me that your stomach is aching as you lay down back in bed beside me. I got up to get a pill for you to take to alleviate the pain. I lay beside you again and asked which part of your tummy aches. I placed my hand there and you put your two hands in top of my hand and said, “Oh, the pain went away when you placed your hand on my tummy.” I was praying that time for the pain to go away.
After about half an hour laying on the bed, we got up so we can prepare… It is my last day and my flight will be at midnight.
You said you will just go back to your place to take your camera home and will get back as soon as possible. But before that, you asked me to teach you first how to use your new DSLR. So I did.
Before you go, I asked that you give me one of your shirts, I want to take it back home with me. Days before that, you also asked me ‘something ‘for you to keep.
When you left, I got ready and started packing my suitcase. While waiting for you, I decided to write you a letter, but as I started writing you knocked on the door. I stopped and hid the paper so you won’t see it. You watched me pack my things in my suitcase, then you remembered that thing you asked me to give you. I said I will give it later. I had it ready in a paper bag along with the other stuff I have been wanting to give you long time ago. Of course you didn’t know about them.
I then took my journal from my writing desk to put in my bag. You asked me what was it. When I told you it is my journal, you were so eager to see what’s written in it. You wanted to read what I’ve written there. Of course I said no, but you insisted. You even bargained that you will not read but will just look at my handwriting. I just showed you some pages and told you some stories about what I’ve written. Of course I didn’t show the pages where I’ve written about you.
Then I had an idea, I asked you to write something in my journal instead. I gave you the few pages at the back for you to write anything you want to say to me. I then revealed to you that I was writing you a letter before you came and it wasn’t finished yet.
You started writing as I pack my suitcase. I looked at you as you write while laying on the bed. Oh how lovely was view of you. But after awhile, you said you will finish writing at the airport while we are waiting for me to board.
Then we took some pictures after that…pictures of you, pictures of us together. Oh how happy I was that time because finally we have a picture together. I also recorded a video of you where you were hesitant at first but later gave a special message to me.
After that, you handed me the shirt I asked from you. It was your old shirt. Your “Beckham #23” shirt. I loved it even though it is an old one, because it is a football shirt and it is yours of course. I put it on and you said it looks so big on me and that I look like a rapper or a hip hop artist. But I loved it.
Now, my turn to give something to you. I gave what you asked for and you were so happy. Then you were surprised to see there were more in the paper bag. I took out a collectible art book I got from a book sale, the next one, the hard copies of your pictures that I had accumulated during our almost a decade of relationship. They were pictures you sent me over the years, from the time we met until the most recent pic you sent. And I had one of them framed too.It is one of my favorite picture of you.
The next thing that happened was something I didn’t expect.
I was calmly telling you about those pictures of you that I printed, when you looked at me and asked, “Why are you giving it back? These are yours…”
I couldn’t answer. I knew the answer but I just couldn’t say it.
I tried changing the topic and showed you another present I have in the paper bag, my Bible -the most important gift I can give you, then a very special book – a memoir of the former band member of Korn, and with it, a newspaper copy of an essay I entered in a contest in one of major dailies in my country. I was one of the winners and that was the only copy I have of that published essay. But I had to give it to you along with the book..
Still, you couldn’t get over the printed photos. You were holding them.
Then you broke into tears.
“These are my old pictures… Why are you giving it back to me?” You asked.
I still couldn’t answer.
Still crying, you said that everything we’ve had from the very beginning went back. You couldn’t stop crying.
Then you sat down in the bed, crying…and said, “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry….” You couldn’t fight back your tears. I tried to remain calm and was hugging you so you would stop crying…
Then you asked, “What’s gonna happen to you now?”
“i don’t know…” I said.
“I will just go back home, return to work… I don’t know…. I actually do not know…”
Then I couldn’t help it… My tears started rolling down my cheeks…
“I don’t know what to do actually… I don’t know anymore… All I knew was that I want to come here and see you….I just have to see you…I need to.”
We were both crying. You hugged me and told me to stop crying. You wiped the tears in eyes and tried fixing my hair. I know you didn’t want to see me cry like before.
We calmed down after a while but the atmosphere was melancholy. I took a few more pictures of you. Your eyes were swollen and reddish for crying.
Then it was time to check out. We decided to take an airport cab but it won’t be arriving anytime soon so we left my things at the reception and headed out to nearby stores to buy a few things that I can take back home. After checking out the Tommy Hilfiger shop, we went to a grocery store across the street. You took my hand as we cross the intersection. We got some local foods from the store that I can share to family and friends at home. Then you saw an ice cream and asked me if I want an ice cream again. I said yes and you got me one.
While at the cashier you took out your wallet to pay but I insisted to pay for them instead since I still have a few thousands of rupees. I saw some ID-sized pictures from your wallet and asked for them, you gave me three. I then gave you some old receipts I hid in my wallet where I’ve written notes about the times when we talked before while I was in a coffee shop in Manila.
Then you took out your phone. It was on silent mode but I saw that someone was calling on your mobile. And you rejected the call.
I didn’t say a thing but I saw who it was.
We returned to the hotel after. The cab is already there waiting for us.
On our way, you showed me the places that frequently visit. The gym you go to, the street where you live, etc…you said your room is chaotic and that you didn’t want me to see it that way. You said one of your biggest fears is that I show up on your door and see your room totally messed up.
On your way to the airport, you showed me the place where you work and told me so many things about the city.
Inside the cab, I asked you to stay close to me. We kissed as you wrapped your arm around my shoulder. You didn’t like PDAs and also it is not common your country. And since we were with the cab driver, you were a bit uncomfortable.
When I saw the airport, I started to feel the sadness once again.
‘This is it’, I thought.
One year ago… I would never forget. Ever.
i woke up not feeling very well, thinking about the remaining hours I have in Bangalore. I cried again. I was feeling so frustrated and so lonely .
You said you aren’t sure if you can come because you are not feeling well. Sad.I was very sad. What will I do in the remaining 24+ hours of my time there? I came there just to see you. What will I do now that we can’t spend time together?
After some drama, you told me you will come to the hotel even if you are sick. You said, it doesn’t matter anymore. You said, we will go out, buy things and spend the rest of the night together.
I was worried of you of course because as much as I want us to be together, I want you to get some rest too. But you insisted.
So many special things happened when you arrived. Even if you were not well, we spend a few hours cuddling and all that. You said you don’t want to think that you are sick.
We then went out later, and had an auto rickshaw ride. My first time to ride an auto. It was definitely special bec we were together in it, We headed to Garuda Mall, to buy your first Camera. But we got off at MG Road corner Brigade Road. You said, that is where locals frequent to spend the weekend so you want to show me what it look like .
We walked some more until the rain fell, soaking a bit of us, especially our feet. We stopped by this mall, went to the washroom to freshen up and walked around the department store.
Then when the rain kind of stop, we went to the Gauda Mall. On the 4th or the 5th Floor, we went to Whizz to buy your first big purchase – your very own DSLR. You really want to have that camera. Do you remember the very first picture taken? It was us, which was taken by the store clerk.
After which, we went to KFC for our take home dinner. But upon waiting for our order, you asked me if I want an ice cream. I was already too tired and you said I was like a kid who got her energy back when given an ice cream. Of course, it was an ice cream and it was from you.
Before that,on our way to Garuda, I saw an ice cream store that caught my eye, and you told me, “ice cream” is for girls and you don’t eat much of it… I thought that was ridiculous statement. But at KFC, you got us two brownie sundae.
What made me happy was not exactly the ice cream, but the thought that you bought it for us after your statement.
I love how we sat down in the opposite chairs while enjoying our sundae. It was a sight I have always been dreaming about – you sitting right across to me and enjoying our food.
We dropped by the wine store near the CMH road on our way back to the hotel. You held my hand as we crossed the busy streets. I will never forget that moment.
You got us 4 bottles of Tuborg beers. You told me earlier that afternoon, when you were said you wont be able to see me, that you want to have a shot or two of whiskey so you can sleep and forget about the physical pain you are feeling. I told you I want to get drunk too. You asked why, I said I just want to. But the reason was I want to get drunk to maybe forget the “emotional pain” I was feeling that moment.
We spent the rest of the night in our hotel room, watching sports on tv, you telling me about cricket and demonstrating how it is played, cuddling in the love seat, eating dinner, talking about just anything until we were too exhausted that we decided it was bed time.