Archive | August, 2008

Quit or Stay (another hormonal attack?)

26 Aug

This is one of those days, one of the moments I want to quit from my job. This is just one of those days when I feel uninspired … tired of the rat race. This is just one of those days, I want to get out and go away. This is one of those moments, that I wish I never entered myself into this, so probably I’d be happier, I’d be more satisfied.

But so far, I don’t have a choice but to stay. Plan B didn’t push through, might as well stick to PLAN A for a while now, but soon I will have to revised PLAN B or have PLAN C, D, E…up to Z…whatever! All I want now is to get out from here.

Not a good sign, isn’t it? Yeah because I am here for just barely what, 4 months? not too long yet and I feel as early as now this uneasiness and the feeling that you don’t belong and the need to get out. Bad sign.

Lord, why do I feel this way again? or is this my hormones again talking? sigh…

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Writing, Writing and Writing…

19 Aug

I am writer and writing is a challenge to me. Although I have done two writing jobs professionally, including the one I have right now, I still find it very challenging in the sense that I know I couldn’t come up with an easy article or write up. I always find myself overwhelmed of all the ideas running through my head and the fact that I am, yes, really writing and it’s going to be published in a website.

Okay, I have two roles at work. One is a team’s supervisor and another is a copywriter/editor. Although yeah, that supervisor thing seems posh but I am not going to talk about it now. Often times I find myself lost of words or couldn’t even start writing at all. Though, it’s more of like my way of writing, my rituals if you may call it, wherein I let the thing (or topic for that matter) sinks in to my system first then after a day or two or three or four at times, the juicy ideas starts flowing. It’s good that way because I know no matter how much I push myself to write, if I am not inspired, I can’t come up with anything. But the downside is, I am often left with a few more days till the deadline that results to cramming. Yes, I am so good at procrastinating that I cram so much after. The great crammer I should say.

But it’s a bad habit I know. Not only that I lose the precious time, but I also lose money. Well, Time is Money as they say. I should do something about my writing style.

While I know every writer have their own rituals and all that sort to get them inspired to pick a pen or face their computers, my own ritual has to change, if not improved for the better.

Plus I know I have so much to learn about writing. I have to improve so much in a lot of areas, particularly on the creative side. I should start digging for more information now and tips on how I can accelerate my writing to a more professional level.

Oh well. I can’t finish this one… I’ll get back to you later.

 

Of Realizing, Loving and Hurting…

8 Aug

I’m torturing myself now. this is the 3rd time I guess I played Colbie’s “Realize” on youtube and it has the same effect. The first time I’ve listened to it, it made me cry and it’s making me cry right now.

I wonder when is he going to “realize”. Or will he ever? If he won’t. That’s scary. My worst fear. I don’t want to narrate all the details of our relationship, but 4 years is 4 years,  that even though it was a long distance, not to mention, online relationship, it has and still have a great impact on me.

We’ve been through a lot. I have been through a lot. It wasn’t easy. We’ve had our own share of those melodramatic moments when we have let each other go, several times, but then coming back again to each other over and over.

Yes, it seems impossible for us to be spending our lives together for good. Impossible for skeptic. Impossible for those who aren’t willing. But I am. I always am. But he isn’t.

But what is the point? Why does he always come back and then after a while, would stop saying anything and nothing at all, just all of a sudden, he’s gone. We’ve been through this circle over and over…

I remember he said, even though he knows it is impossible for us to end up in marriage and have a family of our own like what we’ve used to dream before, he will stay with me. He won’t be gone again. He won’t hide. Not leaving me again. But he will have to let me go in case I meet someone, whom he thinks will be any way better than him. Which torments my heart. I’ve said it to him a lot times how he breaks my heart whenever he request that I go out with another man. At first, I knew he never meant it. and probably just trying to hide all the pain while saying it.I wonder how hard it is for him and how much courage he mustered for him to say that to me.

There was even a time, when he said that “In the next life, You will be mine and no one can take you away from me. But now, I want you to be someone else’s”

It made me cry.

I didn’t know how those words came out from him. I couldn’t believe it.

He cried that time saying that.

I don’t know… I don’t know now… but why does he always come back and leave and come back and leave again? and again and again and again? And why am I so stupid to accept him again and again and again? Why?

I know.. because I know this is no ordinary, that this isn’t just one sick puppy love thing, not just one online thingie that’s never meant to be, because it has surpasses all that. Because I’ve realized that he’s the one I need, the one I want to spend the rest of my life with. I know, I know, I’ve said those lines when I met other men in the past..But this one’s not just the same. But he hasn’t realized that. Or maybe he has, but is just denying it to himself. Or maybe just too coward to take a risk. Or just protecting people he cares about.

That’s what he’s been wanting me to understand… that he is doing this to protect me and his family. I don’t know and I really don’t understand how you can say you love someone but never want to be with her or that you just gave up being with her. Like you’ve accepted that there is no way for real love to succeed.

I can’t make him to be willing. I can’t make him realize. It has to come from him, from the inside of his heart and have that longing and willingness to face all the odds.

Now, we aren’t communicating. Just all of a sudden, I heard nothing from him. I’ve tried calling him, sending messages, etc… but he is deliberately ignoring. Now I wonder what is it this time. But I will let him take his time… take all the time he needs. I hope he’ll get to realize what he wants in life and what will make him happy and bring real happiness and joy to him, and that he pursues it.

And I will wait. Wait until he’s ready to talk about it, to let me know what he’s thinking… I guess I’m martyr like that. Or maybe this is just me loving and not giving up on us.

I wanted to put everything into writing…into this blog…I wanted to express every feelings and thoughts I have at this moment, while the song plays and tortures me continuously. Perhaps, doing this would make me numb or would eventually dried up all my tears… Or I guess it’s better I let it to myself. Just to myself and no one else.

Stop.

It’s too much.

of writing and blogging and not being organized… duh?!

2 Aug

sometimes, I just want to write just the way the guys from Jars of Clay do. They have this gift for writing inspiring lyrical prose, which when someone get to hear their music or read their lyrics, would be awed at how they were able to come up with such words and put it all together to describe their feelings or thoughts.

I’ve always admired them for their gift in writing and I wish that I can do the same. I have written some poems a lot of times in the past, some of which were accepted as entries (finalist) in an international poetry contest. However, I still feel that my writings need a lot of improvements particularly on the creative side.  There has been a few times in the past when some of my musician friends approached me and ask if I could write a lyrics for them. I did not exactly agree but also didn’t disagree with the idea, but I just answer (indirectly) that I will give it a try. However, I always end up not coming up with anything. I am, often, too overwhelmed when they do that or somehow feel pressured. I know I have a lot of ideas in my mind and they are actually bothering me so much especially at night, when I can’t sleep because of the rambling thoughts I’ve got in my heads. That’s the reason why I can’t sleep early no matter what I do which often results to an argument with my parents (when I was still living with them), but then that’s another story now.

But those ideas, thoughts rambling on my head… I can’t seem to squeeze them out through my pen and paper, or to my computer. I often find myself writing an intro but can’t finish the entire stuff because I do not know which I should write first.

Or perhaps, maybe I am too focused on how people might react to what I’m going to write. Maybe, I don’t know.

Actually, I have been blogging for quite a while now although there has been an interval for a couple of years. I think one of the reasons was I had a writer’s block. Yes, for that long. My blogging life started in 2003 and I am happy to have some people I can call my readers, enjoying each entry I wrote. They never get tired of my novel-like entries… they even asked for a follow- up.  Some of them even became my good friends in real life. Although my readers weren’t as many as Limpbwisit’s back then, or mindgames’ ( I suspect none of you knows them. LOL), but they were some of the bloggers who got heaps of readers/followers during the time when blogging (at least in the PH) weren’t as popular as it is now, but I am happy to have my own fans. LOL.

But this gets me thinking, although now that the prodigal blogger is back on cyberspace, I wonder if I my writings were influenced by what I think the readers would say or think about it, or it is just me letting my thoughts flow into this piece of writing.

See right now, I know this even doesn’t even make sense at all. I mean, look at how I am writing… no focus at all. I was talking about how good jars of clay is when it comes to writing their lyrics and now, I’m talking about another thing.

Is that really my problem? Lack of focus? well on my writing. Lack of aim.

What is my aim then?

Urghhhh!!!!

I really have a problem writing I know. It’s all about how I organize my thoughts and express them finely through this blog or other ways. That’s my problem I guess, I AM NOT ORGANIZED.

Which leads me to thinking… Oh forget it. that’s going to be another entry! Will write them later.

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