Archive | October, 2008

A Halloween Party Pooper!

31 Oct

Yes, ND  said I’m a party pooper.  That’s after me telling him about the Halloween party at work that I didn’t participate in, at least in wearing costume.  But I wore a black shirt. Ain’t it enough?

We have a Halloween celebration at the office but none from our department dressed up for it nor we have the Halloween decoration on our work stations. So I guess we are all a party poopers!

But I don’t care at all. While others from my department didn’t participate in wearing creepy costumes, might be because they just don’t feel like it or that they have other reasons, my own reason is because we don’t really celebrate it or I personally don’t at all believe in celebrating it. Why? I have reasons.

First, being a Christian, I don’t think I should. And I don’t think I should still elaborate on that.

Second, it’s not too “Filipino”.  It’s just too “American” for me.  While I don’t have anything against Americans celebrating them, dressing up in scary costumes or something… it’s just not actually the culture in the Philippines.  While it is also a holiday in the Philippines on this day, well, Nov. 1 actually, it’s not for Halloween, instead it’s called All Saint’s Day and the day after it, Nov 2, is All Souls Day.

Although growing up, I never had heard or seen anyone honoring the “saint’s” during Nov. 1, it is mostly spent going to hometowns and visiting relatives and the grave of the dead loved ones that stretches until Nov 2. It is when they offer flowers and lit candles, and for Chinese-Filipinos, it is also about offering food. However, growing up in  a Christian family, we didn’t really visit graves on the dates mentioned and offer prayers and candles at the same time because we believe that we can visit them anytime in a year, lit candles and that’s it.

About praying for them, I don’t think so. They are already dead. I mean, the main reason most Catholics believe that they should pray for the dead love ones is because they believe in purgatory (which Christians like me don’t) and that their dead family member may be in that place so if they keep on praying for them, God will deliver them out from that place and send them to heaven. That’s the reason we don’t have to pray for them anymore. Because it’s either you go to hell or heaven and there is nothing you can do about it anymore once you are in any of that place.

We can also visit them on these dates but it’s not just because of the tradition.

Third reason. We are just too busy in our department. We have a lot of workloads at the moment and it can’t be delayed.  Yes it may sound too corny but that’s exactly what happened. Others are interested to have something, but none of us have the time to decorate and I guess some of them as just not interested at all for some reasons. But even if I have the time, I won’t. Others, if they want to, I won’t mind it at all.

So I don’t care if I am called a party pooper or what, as long as I don’t compromise my beliefs and hold on to my conviction no matter which environment I am in.

Uncertainty

12 Oct

I don’t know how will the night’s gonna end tonigh.

I am scared.

I asked if we could talk.

But I don’t know if he will come or not…

The thing is… if he won’t come tonight to talk.

The sms I sent him will be the last thing he will ever get from me.

Because I swear, he will never hear from me ever.

But I am scared.

I am scared he won’t even show up.

It’s gonna hurt big time.

And the grieving process… that’s scary too.

I don’t know how will I handle it.

I am just scared of the uncertain.

In moments like this, all I want is to be with him.. .

I want to be with him.

FIREPROOF

7 Oct

I’m not sure if this movie will ever hit our local cinemas but whatever happens, I’m going to watch it. The trailer alone was so good, inspiring and touching. Here is the trailer:

I wish he would watch this movie too. Yes we aren’t married yet but I know this will help us in our relationship right now especially that we are in this stage of confusion and in search for answers.

*Their official site: http://fireproofthemovie.com/

He’s On A Quest For My Blog! Yeah, This Blog!

5 Oct

We’ve been together for 4 years, (even though it was an on and off kind of relationship) yet it was only last week when he found out that I blog or that I write. Well, he knows that I write professionally but he said he wasn’t aware that I write about non-work related stuff… like  blogging. It’s funny. But that is quite weird too. I didn’t mention it within the 4 years… yeah right?

We meet in 2004…and my blogging life started in 2003… although I stopped for a while writing/updating my blog that eventually led to the site shutting it down. I didn’t know I never mentioned it to him.. hmmm…just weird.

I guess probably it’s because I never advertised my blogs. Even my friends (except for a close friend who only knows about my previous blog but not this) and family don’t know about it. The readers of my blogs before were those who don’t know me personally, although some of them eventually became my friends in real life when we decided to meet. I really don’t like advertising my blogs even until now because I want my readers to just discover my blog and like it because they happen to see something about my writing but not because I asked them to check it out. One reason I think is to keep my anonymity and be able to express freely.

Anyway,when he found out…he got so curious he asked for the URL. He said he wants to see what I write about. My thoughts in writing. Then he said that for me not to be conscious at all, he won’t comment on it. And when I was about  to give the url, he stopped me. I asked why. He said, “I don’t want you to tell me because I don’t want you to feel so conscious about what you write there.” But then I told him it’s okay for him to know after all he is the most important person to me, he is my most beloved and we promised not to hide anything to each other. But he said, “but when you get to know I am reading it, even if I don’t comment…it might affect your writing.”

Hmm… So instead of me giving the URL…he decided that he’ll be on a quest to find my blog on his own. Oh yeah! He’ll do blog hopping until he gets to my blog. Wow… with tons of blogs all over the cyberspace, I wonder when he’ll stumble upon this blog of mine. hehehe.. He’s sure to be in a big quest. hehehe…. especially that I am using a pseduo name on here, not really pseduo..but I am anonymous. Well not totally.

Well, but if he really knows me by heart… he will guess it easily if he happens to land on this blog. Well, good luck to your quest baby. Hehehe.. and if you get to read this:  Well then you are good. Really good! And you deserve a prize! What is it? It’s a surprise. But I’m sure you’ll love it.

*just an update though…

He said he already started his quest…he went into this blog site…eblogger? But he said, he found nothing. I asked, how did he start searching…He said he just googled for my name… see for the sites related.  Oh well good luck baby. hmmm… let’s see if you can find this page. hehehe…

Remembering the Past

5 Oct

Today is the 30th anniversary of our Church. Three decades of God’s amazing works in our church.

Soon we will leave to go to the church service where crowd is expected to reach a million. The venue…that venue… I wonder how will I feel later to be there again. Every year we celebrate our church anniversary there. Not only that, we have been there a lot of times for different church and national activities like election campaign.. and because of that election, the place became significant to me and to someone. perhaps. Maybe. I’m not sure. But to me, it once was.

Well, I already have moved on from that. It was a blissful yet didn’t turn out so well. Now when I think of it, I just see it as a learning experience…I don’t feel anything anymore. I just could just smile at the wonderful memories I once had, even at the not so good once.

I just wonder, what will it be like later to be in that place again.  I’ll find out soon.

Relationship…

5 Oct

I have been awake since 11pm last night. It’s now 10.38 am now and I’m still online..blogging. The whole night I was waiting for him to come online too. He is online. Only that he is not talking to me. Instead he is talking to other people. How did I know? I have a way. I always have a way to know things.

While being inquisitive is a good trait but too much of it causes some pain. Sometimes I wish I can just do the same thing he does… to not to care at all. But I can’t. I am not like that. I can’t play numb towards the people I care about. I can’t just ignore things. I never and don’t want to hurt anyone..especially him.

Sigh.

Sometimes I wish I know nothing. Maybe, ignorance is really bliss.

Confusion, Disappointment and Hurt

5 Oct

Sometimes I just don’t understand him. One day he’s sweet and so into me.. the next day, he won’t even care. I have no doubt, he loves me I know. But he can be very careless at times that he already hurts me.

Sometimes, I am thinking if we should still go on.. but whenever we confront each other, we end up patching things up which just shows we can’t really let go of each other.  He is afraid to lose me completely and so am I. But I can’t help but be disappointed when he started getting confused. While I understand what he is going through… all the hassles he is facing in life…all his issues with family, relationship and himself.. I know he is having a rough time. But I am not a superwoman…I get hurt. I am affected.

Sometimes, I wonder what if we get married and then during our marriage life he gets confused again… what would happen to us, to me as his wife… to our kids? Will he become a responsible husband and dad?

I don’t know where is this going… I want to be with him, to love him forever. But how long will I have to put up with this?

I know we have too many problems now. His problems are not just his. It is mine too. And when he feels bad, it makes me feel bad too.

I know our relationship is not defined properly right now. But it doesn’t have to be, just to justify what we feel for each other. But it’s also because of it that I can’t really expect his commitment.  It can’t be denied that he loves me and that he can’t live without me. But why does this hurt?

My God, help us.

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