I love you more

2 Oct

Recently, we started talking again. He just started talking again actually. Probably, he misses me or maybe feeling guilty… I dunno. But one thing is for sure, I am glad that we are indeed communicating again. It cost me about more than 2 months of waiting. I have tried so hard to wait patiently for I know he needs time and space. And though it hurts to be on the waiting side, not knowing how long or how much time he needs, through God’s grace, I was able to.

He started saying Hi.. I responded with another “Hi”… unsure of how the conversation will go. We started talking like strangers, probably because we were uncertain and scared of what would happen in the next few minutes. Then he asked about how everyone in my family is doing, my work, my health… like how he used to. He knew I used to get terrible headaches and he’s been asking me ever since to go see a doctor because it’s been frequent, (but not anymore). He even mentioned about the video and lyrics I have posted on of his profiles on one of social networking sites he is member of. He said he was touched.

Then he asked if he could see me and I couldn’t say no. And he said we could also talk on mic, but unfortunately  his mic was broken so I ended up only the one talking while he listened and typed his responses. He continued asking questions about what’s going on with me…and then of course the usual questions he asks before.. like if I already had my meal, etc, if the headband I am wearing is new because he has never saw it before, and how it looks good on me.. and how much weight I lost because he thinks I am thinner than before, etc, etc..

The next few minutes made me nervous and emotional, he said that “don’t you think people who cares for you won’t be afraid to see you die” , that is after I mentioned to him that there was a bomb threat in my office and that it scared me for a while but I realized I shouldn’t be because if it’s my time, it’s my time. Why can’t he just say that he is the one afraid to see me gone? I tried to contain my emotion because I knew he was watching me on cam and I just can’t cry.

Although from time to time, I had to wipe the tears that are starting to well up on my eyes. I just had to do it discreetly so he wouldn’t notice. He  just doesn’t like it when I cry. He feels weak. He feels guilty and he always blames himself for it so I don’t want him to see those tears running down my cheek.  Then he said, I don’t want you to be in any kind of danger…. I want and I always pray that you live more than 100 years. But I kept my responses cold… Perhaps, that’s my way of guarding my heart.

Then later he asked if I have seen the latest Batman movie, I said I haven’t. He said he remembers Joker always saying “Why so serious” and then changed it to “Why so silent?”. And I have no answer but “I don’t know.” Perhaps my answer reveals the uncertainty and the nervousness I am having that moment. Although he didn’t made me feel that but I knew what he was thinking.  He said just said that that is not a proper answer to the question and I am being too diplomatic with my answers. I asked what should be the proper answer, and he responded by saying that he thinks everything have a proper answer except for where the universe ends or from where we evolved and why we met.

For the next few seconds, I was lost of words. I was completely speechless. I wanted to cry when he said that “why we met?”. I tried hard not to. At least not in the way he would see me.  Yet I still tried to composed myself and gave him a profound answer by saying, “maybe we just have to wait till we get the proper answers or I think, we all know the answers.. but it’s either we ignore it or we deny it. or that, the answers are just there but we can’t see it or we overlook it, because we are oftentimes too clouded by negativity. Just my opinion”

Then he reminded me of what he said before that he thought I already have forgotten… “perhaps you have already forgotten but I still remember telling  you that if I can’t be with my family,  I can’t be with you either…” Ouch. But how can I ever forget that?

Then he said, “…But there’s something in you that makes me weak whenever I talk to you, and get closer and closer. perhaps I don’t have good self control.” This whole thing… I knew where it is heading. I know where this conversation is going…

“I miss you” he said.  I couldn’t utter any word. The tears were just uncontrollable it started rolling… all I could reply was, “I called you several times before.”

I told him of the countless times I tried calling him. When I heard about the series of blasts that happened in his place, I panicked. Day and night, every half an hour I tried calling him. I even left a message on his messengers, I sent text messages, but none of them were returned. So I thought that maybe he needed time… a time away from me, away from everybody and I respected that “moment of silence”. I said I would be patiently waiting til he’s ready to talk again.

He blamed himself. He admitted his shortcomings. He was frustrated about life, about everything that he secluded himself from the world. He said he ruined my life, wasted 4 years of my life of being with him… and that I don’t even deserve this. Then he started venting, telling me everything, his life’s frustrations, like he used to do… that all he wants is to be happy and so all the people he cares about. Although it hurts how things went in the past months for us, I understand what he was going though.

I said him, “sometimes all you need is to listen to that one beating on your chest, and you will know what to do.”

I asked, “Why did you decide to talk to me today?” His answers were rather vague, he said, because he is all alone, no one’s there to tell him what to do and not to do, or to be with who and who not to be with, and that he feels free and was feeling good that day. “You were? So not anymore? was it because of me?”, I asked.  “No, in fact I am feeling so good to be with you right now. You are the only one who understands me, who listens to me, who always forgives me for all my sins and accepts me for who I am.”

Then he said again… “find another man”, “I’ve wasted your four years”, “you don’t deserve a person like me..you deserve the best..” etc. etc… and it keeps ripping my heart.  I told him, I wish it was that easy to do, so we both won’t have to go through this. If it was that easy, then I probably didn’t have to spend four years with him. If it was that easy, our first breakup would be our last moment together and he won’t hear anything from me again. Ever. But that’s the main reason we are still here, that we are talking right now because it wasn’t easy.

Then the conversation went more complicated and I just couldn’t contain it. I called him on his mobile, I want to hear his voice, I miss him… but he doesn’t want to pick it up. He insisted it costs too much and I shouldn’t be wasting money on him. He said he already wasted my life and he can’t permit it again. But I was persistent. I thought, It’s now or never. I told him, if he won’t pick up, it’s going to be goodbye forever and he won’t see me ever again. He said I was blackmailing him. But I am serious. That time, I took the courage to do it, to ask him if he wants me out from his life or he wants me to stay.  It was a make or break moment. I could end up hurting myself if he decided not to pick it up. Yes I meant what I said that he won’t see me ever again because that time I decided that if he refuses to talk to me on the phone, I will cut all my connections with him and he won’t hear any single thing about me. But he did. Hearing his voice just melted me. I cried so hard, I couldn’t say a thing. I wanted to see him and hug him and be with him that moment so maybe all the pain would disappear.

Then I took the courage of  telling him that if he really thinks that  we are not meant to be, then we have no reason of talking now. It’s either we let go each other permanently or we stay together forever.  We have to decide and I asked for it right at that time. And he agreed. Tears just wouldn’t stop. It seems endless. Then he said, it makes him weak seeing me cry. But my tears were unstoppable. But he hasn’t cried a bit.

He said, “I never did any thing to hurt you intentionally. I always wanted to love you and I always love you. I cannot leave you. You are part of my life. “

And just when I thought I was ready to let him go, I couldn’t do it.  I can’t let him go. That’s the truth.  And after all these emotional conversation… we ended up reminiscing the old times. Like the times when he bunked his classes just to see me and talk to me and I get mad for it, the time when he called me “jaan”, and how he teaches me to say “I love you” in his language but I couldn’t even pronounce it… Then he just said some of words I taught him… like saying I love you in my language and terms of endearment used… and these words just made him cry.  He wanted to cry out loud he said and I just wished I was there with him so he could pour out everything.

The conversation ends… but ends with uncertainty… of the status of our relationship… it’s still vague, it’s still undefined… but one thing is really for sure, we can’t live away from each other.

And I love him more than ever.  And like what i told him, perhaps  I will wait patiently for miracle to happen to us.

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