Archive | February, 2009

Of Optimism, Nostalgia and Reminicsing (The Good Old Days)

24 Feb

I have read some of the old posts I have in my now defunct blog at blog-city.  Some of them were funny, optimistic, too dramatic and others are just plain non sense. LOL. But I don’t know, what happen to my optimism? I feel like it’s either it has decreased tremendously or I already have lost it completely? I use to write about anything I see and feel,  stories about my stupidity, my childhood memories, how I bully and got bullied, the series of posts I wrote about Mr. Dome Cake! hahaha….and everything. Reading them makes me feel really good. It’s nostalgic.  Life that time may not be exactly as “extravagant” as what I have now but it was fun in its own way.  I wasn’t careless but I don’t limit myself too much depriving myself of the things I enjoy.  I remember how I would write so long, my readers call it already a novel. hahaha… But so much has changed. I can’t exactly say all these changes are for the better. But I have really come a long way.

A year after the peak of my blogging life, when I somehow lost my interest in updating my space on the web, I have experienced so much, things you can’t even imagine. My life has changed so much. It was turned up side down.

Wow!Was it for the better? I can’t really say. It has been a roller coaster ride, even up to now.

There was even a time I wrote which I titled “I like how things are going this way now” which is about how I got over my ex and how I look at the “bright side of life.”

I wrote poems, both in Filipino and English, trying to become Shakespeare or our local Balagtas.  I would write about the places I’ve been to, people I have talk to, even the sms I received, and I write them in details.

My readers were not plenty but they rock! Most of them  were young professionals or teens, but one thing I was kind of surprised about was attracting a mother to read my blog on a regular basis.

She said she likes the way I write, entertaining, full of enthusiasm even if the story is tragic. She said she can relate to my heart-broken  posts.

Then I wrote about this mysterious guy with nice looking feet I’ve met in a coffee shop where I work. How he puzzles me until now of his identity.  Who the hell was that guy?

The open letter I wrote for myself. The letter for MR. DAWAN!  hahaha… (DAWAN- which means “THE ONE”) Man, look how flirt I was (or am?) LOL. I wrote quite a few about men. (Oh okay, not few, more than a few about men I encountered. hahahaha…. Such a flirt young lady I was.)

But I am no longer young now. After about 6 years or more, I am here. Older. Yay! I still have that sense of humor in me but not quite like before. I think some happenings in my life has changed my perspective about the world and people I mingle with. I hate to admit but I have become more of a drama queen now. LOL. And he hates it. I hate it too.  Time really can change a person. I am not the same person  I was 10 years ago.

God, I am really getting old! Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhh!!!!!

*panic mode – running around the room screaming!*

I want to go back to that time when hurt and pain hasn’t affected me that much. When I still can wear a big smile despite the hardships I was facing.  When I see the world so big and great. When I make friends to just about anybody and just let my guard down.

How nostalgic this is.

I want to go back to the time when I first saw the Mmmbop video on MTV, to the time John called me from the airport just before his plane takes off and when he made his overseas call, to the time I realized I had a crush on Mr. Dome Cake, to the time B and I were barely starting our friendship, to the time I met Jars of Clay at Greenbelt mall that I almost fainted when they shook my hand, OMG!, to the time I won a book of Bob Ong’s in one of his online contests, to the time I received an invitation to attend the open poetry contest in Maryland, USA, to the time I bought my first computer out of my own money, to the time when my high school crush Jay talked to me for thinking that I was my sister (he knows my sister and we look like a twin they say), to the time when I would just leave home, go to the mall or park and just sit on the bench or on the grass and write, sip my coffee, look at the people passing by….

And of course to the time I first saw him on the camera. How he captured my eyes, though there was a sort of an awkward moment for a few minutes, but it felt good, so good that the things I didn’t expect I’d do, I have done it right that time. To the time I was walking on my way home after our first meeting, the feeling as if you are floating in the air and smiling like a total idiot, to the time he would call me “Jaan” or “Mahal ko” , how we talk about our future and how he wants our future kids to look like me and how I want them to look like him instead (he’s so handsome! Oh those beautiful eyes), and every time he whispers the 3 most powerful words. These are some of the good old days I have. The times where I want to be again.

If there is only a way I can go back, I would.

I miss my old self.

Undying Love?

18 Feb

What should I write first? Actually I don’t know… I just want to take this moment to sit and write. Actually I don’t want to write…But here I am… To put my feelings into writing this time is somewhat difficult for me.. . I don’t know what I am feeling at the moment. Perhaps, I have already become numb or I have decided to become numb. But no, I am not. I feel and it hurts so bad.

I’ve been in a roller coaster ride again. Dunno if it’s a coincidental that last year, I was in the same phase with the same person. I don’t know. Maybe I am just really stupid like that. Letting things happen, not just twice but multiple times. Yes,  a certified stupid. If there is a certification for stupidity, then I would be issued one. Is it really stupid to love someone?  to want to be with someone? to want to share everything with that someone? to believe in that someone? to care for that someone?

This is killing me now.

And when do you really say it’s enough? When do you say it’s really over? Because we have said and done this a few times in the past, but we end up just coming back to each others arm again and again. WHY? Why can’t we just let go of each other for good? Why can’t we just move on with our own lives, forgetting each other. After all, like most people say, it should be easier for us since we are not literally together, not living in the same place. Yeah, yeah… if this is that easy, then why are we still here four years later? Why do we come back again and again? Is this going to end? When? If not, why? and why can’t we?

What is the conclusion of all these things?

I am getting tired. But my heart still loves and loves despite the inconsistencies.

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