Archive | April, 2009

Of Bravery, Pain and Letting Go

29 Apr

I realized I’m not brave enough. Not yet.

After reading an article about a college girl deleting her what-seems-to-be-the-easiest-way-to connect-these-days, I meant facebook account, I have thought about if I could do the same. Not my facebook account. But all that connects me to my now, ex-bf. His mobile numbers, his yahoo, gmail and skype account, even my other orkut account that I use to know what he says to others a.k.a. spying, or stalking, which one of the causes of big fight that lead to a painful breakup.

I don’t know if I can stop asking his roommate how he is doing figuratively and literally at that moment, even though I have told a few times it’s going to be the last time I will ever ask about my ex. And that fact that I told him(ex), I’m going away from his life forever and that he need not to worry  anymore because I wont bother his friends too. That he will hear nothing about me and will completely step out from his life. Yet still from a distance, I still use my “connections” to get to know what’s going on in his life. Although, I wish I could just ask him by myself like I used to. But I can’t. I just can’t. There are times when I see him online and wish he is talking to me, me hearing his voice from the headset, instead of him exchanging scraps to some random people added on his “friend’s list”.

Although, I stopped being “available” by hiding or setting into the invisible mode. Yes I have deleted him from my yahoo messenger and changed his visibility on my contact list on gmail to “never show”. Yet he isn’t blocked. So if one crazy odd day he would just thought about sending a message, he could. He isn’t blocked. If he didn’t delete me, he can see whenever I am online. So I just set my messengers limited to people I need to communicate to for now.

Although I really didn’t know if I am still on his list or he already had deleted me too.  But the last time we talked he said he will think about deleting it then after that, he said he won’t… so I’m not sure. But knowing his fickle mindedness, he might have deleted it, or maybe not. I can’t say. Whichever the case, I made myself unavailable on his sight now. I am also spending less time with the computer these days so I won’t be tempted to lurk on his profiles all day long. But sometimes, I do that because there were a few instances a few days back while I was looking at his profile picture in orkut, I felt like I was staring at a stranger’s photo. It was weird. really weird. I had to look again and again to feel him. I am starting to feel the “distance” between us.

Recently, his roommate informed me that he left for another city, the one he used to lived and where his sister lives at the moment. I asked if he knew the reason. He said, he didn’t say anything except for visiting his sister. But something in me didn’t find that answer satisfying. So a night after that I lurked into his profile again and saw his message to one of his online friends and read that he is there to find some peace of mind because he is feeling so down these days and wanted to be alone, just by himself.

Somehow I knew, something is wrong. He doesn’t have friends to hang out with in that city he intends to stay for a few months because of short course he needs to take. Yeah his roommates are both nice enough according to him and I agree because I get to interact with one of them too. Yet still he probably feels “alone” and “disconnected” so he headed to a place familiar, with a person that may give comfort to him. Though I know he wouldn’t mention a word to his sister about what he feels and what happened to us. But merely having a family member around will help, just like what is happening to me as I spend more time at home with my family even if they don’t have a slightest idea of what had transpired a few weeks back.

I don’t know if I will have the courage to delete that other account which serves as the way to get through him. Or even stop bugging his roommates about what he’s doing. Can I do it? Can I endure the fact that I have no other means of knowing if he is fine or not? If he cries or rejoices?

I guess, I just can’t accept the fact that I am no longer part of his life. I want to be, I still want to be. But he does not want it anymore. All I could do now is “watch” him from a distance. Not stalk him though. It’s just I can’t just let go of him yet. I still call his name at night.

I am not brave.

I still want him and need him.

And it pains so much.

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