Archive | November, 2013

9 Years Ago Today

6 Nov

November 6, 2004 – Nine years ago today, in the late afternoon of one seemingly ordinary Saturday, I didn’t suspect something different, special would happen – I met you for the first time. Online.

I still remember most of the things – the internet cafe, the computer station I was seated…

I joined a chatroom out of boredom but left after a few minutes because I wasn’t really interested to chat, then I saw your yahoo ID popped in my screen.

I don’t remember what you said first but I do recall you asking if you could see me on the webcam. I told you no because I said, I am not beautiful anyway. You insisted and said, it doesn’t matter to you, you just want to see me. So I turned it on and you turned on yours too.

You said, how I can say I am not beautiful when I am the most beautiful you’ve ever seen in your life. You surely know how to flatter a girl.

In my case, I was stunned by your eyes. They are the most beautiful eyes I have ever seen. They lit up when you smiled on camera (just the way they lit up when I saw you for the first time in person). I will never forget that. Your nose, your lips – your looks is just perfect. There was just one thing that was kind of, well, I couldn’t say a turn off but wasn’t quite appealing to me, you were wearing a black cloth on your head – a turban. (You told me later are a Sikh.) But it didn’t bother me that much, your eyes captured me, so we carried on chatting.

You told me a lot of times how I look so beautiful to you and that you already like me. I like your good looks as well but it was too early to tell you that I thought. But it was surely “Like at first sight.”

We added each other in the instant messenger then ended chatting after about an hour.

The next day, Sunday afternoon, about the same time, I came back to the same cafe. To my surprised you were online as well and messaged me.

You still couldn’t contain your admiration and kept telling me how you like looking at me, how I take your breath away especially when I brush my long black hair with my fingers. I tried not to take things too fast, though I like what I was seeing – a handsome young man I am seeing in my computer screen.

But you were too straight forward telling me what you feel. Then you asked me at the same time if I feel the same way – I do and I did tell you yes, on the 2nd day of our meeting! I was in euphoria and in shocked at the same time on how you made me say it just on the 2nd day. But I cannot take it back. I was also liking what I feel.

I remember walking back home from that cafe looking like an idiot as I smile from ear to ear, thinking,‘oh my God, I have a new boyfriend”

We were both 22, both very young in love.

We would chat almost everyday. I was never that happy in my entire 22 years of existence.

I remember how we would talk about our future – how we’ll meet, how we are going to get married, have beautiful children and you want them to look like me but I want them to look like you instead so they’ll have your beautiful eyes, sharp nose, kissable lips, your tall height and your beautiful smile.

You even said, in one of our chats, after you asked me to give you a kiss through the mic and tell you the sweetest I love you, you said, you will tell our kids how that special moment made you feel.

You were still a student, I was already working. You’d bunked your classes just to come online and see me. I will get angry and tell you to never skip classes but you said, there was nothing that comes to your mind but me.

It was blissful. We were so in love. I was/am serious and committed to our relationship. The distance and the differences did not matter to me at all.

But one day you stopped communicating, I was worried. I looked for you through your friends. I got different answers. I don’t know maybe weeks or a month later, you explained – your family did not approve you said. My dreams were shattered.

But despite that, we went on with our relationship, though there was no assurance.   But it gave me hope. It made me alive. It went on and off for years… Although I tried forgetting and moving on at some point, we just couldn’t let go, we just couldn’t live apart from each other. You would always come back and I would always accept you. We dreamed again, we planned, we hoped.

Although nothing was apparent but I didn’t bother as I was hopeful that eventually all the hindrances will fade away. That they would understand someday. I thought that as long as we can prove the world that what we have is real, then all creatures in the heavens and the earth will convene and bless our lives together.

And now, 9 years later…

Here I am…

With shattered dreams again.

Without you in my side.

Without the future we’ve dreamed together about.

Because, just when I thought you won’t, you gave up – on me, on you, on us, and just accepted what they wanted you to do – marry someone they arranged for you.

9 years – and you exchanged it for tradition and religion.

9 years…

9 long years…

November 6, 2004 was when it all started. You have moved on but I am stuck in here.

I Don’t Want You To Forget

5 Nov

The touch of lips the close of eyes
They matter more than you surmise
I hide it all in secret boxes
Until tomorrow when we first meet

I watch you fade before my eyes
I can’t take it, but I won’t look away
Maybe the fires that feel so cold,
They won’t completely die away

I don’t want to, I don’t want you
I don’t want you to forget
I don’t want to, I don’t want you
I don’t want you to forget

I may not let you see my pain
I may not speak hard words in anger
To you maybe it isn’t really strange
You being loved by a stranger

I won’t give you up just yet
I will come calling at your door
Ours is a home we can’t get to anymore

I don’t want to, I don’t want you
I don’t want you to forget
I don’t want to, I don’t want you
I don’t want you to forget

Behind your eyes there is a distance
I ask you if you’d like to dance
You mistake me for a healer
I’m just a desperate man stealing one last chance

– jars of clay-

%d bloggers like this: